I was talking to a high school guy named Josh* the other day. We were sitting in a gazebo next to a lake near his house. Our cover was that Josh wanted to play guitar together, but both of us knew that Josh wanted to talk about God. Josh had broken up with his girlfriend the night before and he was really confused about a lot of things in his life.

 While he and I were talking about questions of love, life and God, from time to time Josh would engage in the common adolescent practice of "text check" — subtly reaching into his pocket to check his cell phone for a text message from his now ex-girlfriend. Three-fourths of all adolescents in the United States have cell phones today, and their use is so prevalent and socially acceptable among teenagers that checking or sending text messages during conversations is more "normal" than a sign of boredom or disrespect.

Not too far into our conversation, however, Josh said something that surprised me. He really wanted to talk to his former girlfriend about what had happened, "but this," he said, waving his cell phone around for dramatic effect, "won’t cut it. I don't want to text her and I don't want to talk to her on this." I upped the ante a bit and said, "So, you want to talk to her face-to-face about all this?" He said, "Yes."

Emotional tethers

I shouldn't be surprised that Josh wanted to talk in person face-to-face about something so important, but I was. Communication technologies such as cell phones, text messaging and social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace have become more than just modes of communication. In a lot of ways they have created the expectation that communication is always on your own terms, you're never out of reach and there is a sort of safe "virtual" distance between you and the person you're communicating with. Instead of fostering control and independence, however, some observers think these technologies may be creating virtual "tethers."

Teenagers naturally want to test ideas, beliefs and attitudes with their peers and even their parents. "But when technology brings us to the point where we're used to sharing thoughts and feelings instantaneously, it can lead to a new dependence," says Sherry Turkle, professor of the social studies of science and technology at M.I.T. "Emotional life can move from 'I have a feeling, I want to call a friend,' to 'I want to feel something, I need to make a call.'" In other words they become dependent or "tethered" to these technologies for more than they can deliver.

Limited communication

Communication technologies are fine for what is called first order communication — disseminating facts, opinions and data — but first order communication has limits. A non-negotiable of adolescent life is having space for reflection on such questions as "who am I" and "do I matter" and autonomy in the sense that they are learning to navigate the "real world" on their own. For all their allure and efficiency, communication technologies alone are simply not able to speak to such adolescent needs. Psychologist David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child, says adolescents need to be surrounded by a kind of "envelope of adult standards, values and beliefs that adolescents can confront and challenge in order to construct and test out their own standards, values and beliefs."

This "envelope" can’t be an e-mail or a text message. It requires a deeper order of communication, a second order communication that requires face-to-face, relationships of trust. It is in second order communication that we in Young Life have the unique opportunity to speak meaning, worth and identity into the lives of our teenage friends.

Love in person

It may seem to us at times that communication among teenagers is dominated by technology such that they'd just rather send a text message (first order communication) than be face-to-face (second order communication). As we sat together that day, my friend Josh expressed an encouraging sentiment from deep within that is true of all humans and especially teenagers — that "this is not going to cut it." He knew he needed something deeper in order to communicate with his former girlfriend. In fact, it was the same reason that he called me up that day and said, "Can we play guitar … and talk about God?"

In Young Life, we must not give up on going deeper, of being face-to-face with young people. What adolescents need are face-to-face interactions where they hear the encouragements and affirmations of in-the-flesh human beings who truly care. After all, it was the God of the universe who did not remain distant or virtual, but came to be face-to-face with us in the form of Jesus Christ so that we might know life in Him and live it to the fullest.

*an alias

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